Uncensored Feelings

Dreams are both scary and amazing. I remember that whenever I was happy, I had this crazy thought in my head, What if this is all just a dream? It would make me feel scared and anxious because I didn't want to wake up in a completely different reality.

When my mom passed away, It was the most painful heartbreak I've ever experienced in my entire life. She was my world. She was the very reason of my existence. My sister was sobbing beside me saying, “This is just a dream. This is just a dream..” and I didn't know what to tell her or how to console her because I also wished that it was all just a dream. That we would wake up from this dream and be able to spend more time with our mom.

I wasn’t given enough time to mourn because I had to take care of so many things. I had no idea how to organize a funeral, fortunately our neighbors helped us through it but it was still so stressful and heartbreaking. This process helped us a bit in realizing and accepting that my mom’s really gone but it didn’t make the circumstance any less painful. Even after that, I was kept busy. I have to assume bigger responsibilities now, my mom asked me to take care of my siblings and I can’t fail her, I won’t. I hadn't imagine my life without my mom because I thought we would be together for a very long time so I was never prepared for this.

I miss my mom everyday. She appears in my dreams so often that it makes me look forward to sleeping. In my dream, she would smile at me and I could tell her everything. It is the only part of my life where she still exists, even though in it, she also tells me to continue living my life without her and that I can do it. I don’t know how we will spend the first Christmas without her or the New Year, and many other holidays that we used to celebrate with her and her delicious cooking.

Here I am, writing this, crying in secret, because I know that I can no longer feel the warmth of my mom’s arms whenever this world feels cold and grey.

“UNCENSORED FEELINGS”

@theislandgirldiaries