My Roman Empire

I still don't know what it is about you that pulled me in. Maybe it was your eyes, those orbs which can't hide the emotions you feel, or maybe your hair that I love caressing, or your lips that could teleport me into another world whenever they were against mine, or your intelligence that amazed me everytime I listened to you pour your thoughts -- your mind is like a library that I'd like to stay in forever, or maybe it was how well you knew me and my love for food. You have captured my whole being like no one else has ever done before. You made falling in love with you so easy like breathing. You made me yours completely. We did a lot of things, I gave you a lot of first time experiences and you became my first. We were so happy. Every moment felt like a dream that we didn't want to wake up from. Hours felt like minutes whenever we were together. We enjoyed both the noise and the silence. We discovered a lot of things we have in common. Sometimes, it feels like we are sharing the same brain cell.

I wanted you all the time. My fingers yearned for the soft locks of your hair on the back of your head. My mouth watered for the sweet taste of your lips. I was always longing for the fire you ignite on my skin with your kisses and your touch, for the way you perfectly fit against me and inside me. We were perfect for each other. At one point, I even thought you were my forever. You are the best thing that's ever been mine. You are like a drug that I'm addicted to and the worst part is, an antidote doesn't even exist so I just want more of you. 

I fell in love with all versions of you. The version of you who made me laugh and giggle, the version of you who made me feel special and loved and taken care of, the version of you who was always there for me, who prioritized me over anything and anyone else, the version of you who was consistent and rational, the version of you who only wanted me for himself, the version of you who sometimes got annoyed at my silly jokes, the version of you who would roll his eyes at me, the version of you who liked to copy me, the version of you who would give me loving stares, but all these versions of you have now ceased to exist and are just living in my head. I am in love with what we could've been and who you could've been.

You feel more like a home than the one I sleep in every night. You are my best friend, my best partner, my human diary and my best luck in this world. There is literally nothing I can't do for you. I was going to make you the happiest, I had so many plans for you and with you but you chose to miss that opportunity. 

You are my Roman Empire (It's a catchphrase that means someone you think about constantly) but maybe just like all the powerful empires in the world, they only have a place in history. Someday, hopefully one day, you will turn into a mere flashback. Truly, walking away from someone who means the world to you feels like slowly preparing to die and breaking your own heart but you leave me with no choice. I'm still choosing you even when you're not choosing me. Among all the men that I've ever loved, I have loved you the most. The Google drive folder of our memories and the date note ideas are eternal evidences of how beautiful our love was.

It's scary having to face the future without the person I planned it with but it's heartbreaking to force myself to fit into your life when you clearly don't want to keep me there or at least you aren't trying to.

Did you know that after death, a human brain lives on for 7 minutes to replay its best memories? You would be my 7 minutes.

To you, my Roman Empire, my Golden Retriebear, my love, thank you for coming into my life and making me realize how deeply I can love, we may have ended but know that I will always love you and that you will always have me. I am grateful that I have met you in this lifetime. If there is a next lifetime, please find me sooner so I can meet you earlier. Maybe then, we won't have to wonder about the "What ifs" and "What could've beens".