IDOL

I smiled as I got out of the convenience store. No one recognized me so I decided to take a walk. I put on my earphones and listened to music when a strange feeling crept inside. I felt like somebody was following me. I started to slowly turn my head when my peripheral vision caught a glimpse of a guy who tried to hide quickly. My heart hammered inside my chest. I began to feel scared and my steps quickened. I was almost running and I could feel the man behind me. My anxiety took over, all the worries and blues I have for the last few months played like a broken recorder.

It's lonely at the top.

I thought this would make me happy but I was wrong.

It's true that hearing millions of fans screaming my name is intoxicating but the feeling of emptiness that comes after it is overwhelming.

Nobody is waiting for me at home but a dark room and a cold bed after an exhausting concert.

I'm slowly becoming insignificant to my family since I missed a lot of important family events due to my hectic schedule.

I've lost many of my friends and gained a lot of enemies.

I've gotten suspicious of the people who befriend me, worried that they just want to take advantage of me or my fame.

I hear so many voices in my head and I don't know which one to listen to.

The things that are possible to others are quite impossible for me like walking on the street uncaring and thoughtless.

I live everyday with fear of falling and the pressure to do everything perfectly.

I don't know which way to go next and what other goals to achieve. I feel stuck.

I constantly ask myself who I should be - the real me or the person they want me to be?

Should I make myself happy or the ones who believe in me?

These thoughts keep me awake at night and I still don't have answers the following morning.

The camera flashes are blinding.

I start to wonder, is this the life I dreamed of?

I am not allowed to do things on my own, I have become a public property. I feel powerless.

The man caught up with me and grabbed my shoulders. I struggled to get away but his grip was too strong. He pinned me on the wall that I couldn't move. I looked into his eyes and I saw burning anger. I didn’t know him and had never met him before. He took out a knife and my eyes went wide. He said in a deep, firm voice, "You deserve to die." I swallowed hard and didn't know what to do. What a shame, I was powerless even at the verge of death. I gritted my teeth as I felt the sharp stabbing pain on my stomach. I closed my eyes then I heard somebody screamed.

I got up from my bed, catching my breath with beads of sweat all over me. When did this beautiful dream turn into a nightmare?

© theislandgirldiaries