To my Almost

It has been 1 month, 11 days, 13 hrs, 24 minutes and 44 seconds since you broke my heart. You told me before that you wouldn't be able to be friends with my ex because he had hurt me. I didn't expect that you would do the same thing. 

Sometimes, I miss you. I miss you so much that I have a strong urge to talk to you but I have to fight it. There's a lot of questions that I want to ask you, why did you break my heart? Do you regret it? Do you miss me too? Do you miss us? Did you really love me? How did you lose feelings so easily? What if you had given us another chance, would things have been better? Would we have been happier? Those questions still haunt me at night even in my dreams. But what's the use of asking those questions when I know it won't change anything? 

We don't like the same kind of music but I tried to like yours, I was fine with it. I've never loved anyone as much as I loved you. You were that one guy who got closest to my heart. You were my calm in the midst of chaos. You made me feel whole only to break me again. Why? Was I not enough? Was I too much?

There are times that I want to tell you about my day, I want to ask about yours, and I want to share random things and laugh with you just like how we used to. But I couldn't. I know I shouldn't. I don't even know how to unlove you and doing those things will make me fall for you even more until I can never recover. 

You were almost that one guy who I wanted to marry, almost that person who I wanted to share my dreams with and build a family. You were almost my happily ever after. You were almost...my forever. 

Despite everything, I'm really grateful for the things that you've given me and for the feelings that you've made me feel. I'm happy that I made us happen just like I told you so before. I appreciate you still being here for me to help me get through the process. I may not fully understand your reasons but I respect your decision. I always wish you well, my baby boy. 

For now, I promise to stop stalking you, to stop wondering how you are, to stop thinking of what ifs and what could have beens and not to jeopardize whatever's making you happy now. 

I hope one day, I'll stop counting and hurting. I hope someday, I'll stop looking for answers to my questions. I am looking forward to the day that you are nothing more than a beautiful memory. 

It might take a very long time but I will wait patiently. As they say, good things happen to those who wait. 

I wish someday when we meet again, when we are our better selves, maybe better for each other or with better another. Nobody knows what the future holds for us. But honestly, I still wish you're in my future. However, if the universe has other plans for us, I will accept it. It may not be what we want, but i'm sure it's for the greater good. Maybe someday, this is all going to make sense.